swag level chanyeol (rubyls) wrote,
swag level chanyeol
rubyls

fighting you

fighting you
kyuhyun/yesung; pg-13; romance
it's not so easy to admit that you like someone, and kyuhyun is a first-class asshole in realising so.

a/n: for kingdra who requested kyusung, i hope you like it ;~;




"It's much easier to humiliate, degrade, and just generally shit all over someone than it is to admit that you love them."
- Nathan, Misfits


Kyuhyun doesn’t even know when it’d started; when he’d begun to like the way Jongwoon-hyung’s eyes crinkled when he laughed, the way Jongwoon’s eyebrows had the smallest hint of a frown when he was concentrating on something, the way Jongwoon walked with confident strides. The way Jongwoon would get fixated over the smallest things. The way he laughed like he meant it, every single time. The way Jongwoon looked at you when the two of you were having a conversation, like you were the only person in the world.

At first he didn’t recognize the signs at all, and decided it was probably just because Jongwoon was an adorable hyung, or maybe it was because Kyuhyun just liked being beside Jongwoon, that was all, damn it. But once when he and Sungmin were having one of their “wine-tasting sessions”, and Heechul was there just because he had wanted to get drunk, the three of them having had enough alcohol to feel the booze buzzing in their veins, Heechul had slurred, “so what’s up with you and Jongwoon?”

Kyuhyun had held his breath for a second, wondering what the hell Heechul was picking up in his interactions with Jongwoon, before shrugging and trying to keep nonchalance in his voice, “what?”

Heechul had just laughed, taken another generous swig of his wine, and slumped down on the table in drunken stupor. Sungmin had patted Kyuhyun on the back, saying, “come on, it’s actually pretty obvious, I do think.”

Kyuhyun had been silent, his heart drumming a pulsing beat against his chest, and swallowed, while Sungmin had explained about how Kyuhyun would always let his eyes linger on Jongwoon for a second too long, or how he would try a little too hard to keep his smile inside when Jongwoon smiled.

“You guys are crazy,” Kyuhyun had said with an air of determination, “I don’t like him, he’s just a nicer hyung to me than you two are.”

Sungmin had merely given him a sad little smile. “You’re fucked.”


---


Because Kyuhyun is really just the epitome of maturity, he spends his days after that episode silent, cranky and generally avoiding Jongwoon. He repeatedly tells himself that he doesn’t like Jongwoon, who the fuck would fall in love with someone who had turtles for pets?

Jongwoon comes up to him during one of their Super Show III concerts, winding his arms round Kyuhyun’s waist and hooking his chin over Kyuhyun’s shoulder. Kyuhyun flinches a little at Jongwoon’s touch, trying hard to keep his expression the same because fangirls have their cameras that can zoom a million times, and forces his frame not to lean into Jongwoon’s hug. He flings Jongwoon’s arms away, strides out of the hug and runs to Donghae, placing an arm around his shoulder, leaving Jongwoon slighted and awkward in front of thousands of fangirls.

Jongwoon tries to hold Kyuhyun’s hand again during the end where they thank their fans and bow, but Kyuhyun just won’t. His heart thumps a fervent want, yes yes yes yes, but his mind firmly tells it to shut up and he turns away from Jongwoon, not catching the hint of hurt that flits across Jongwoon’s eyes.

He goes back to the dorms to regret being a bastard, crumpling his sheets and mentally beating himself up under the covers, ignoring Sungmin’s accusatory glances.


---


The next day Jongwoon comes into their room to sit on Kyuhyun’s bed and poke his side while he is playing Starcraft, and asks him about his day, whether he’s had dinner, if his ear still hurt after his surgery. Kyuhyun is usually plain unresponsive to anyone who interrupts his Starcraft playing, but for some reason, his mouth moves faster than his mind does, and he spits out, “hyung, I’m playing, here,” the apparent annoyance in his voice grating to his own ears. He wishes he could take his words back before they are even out of his mouth when he sees Jongwoon blink several times and swallow, but Kyuhyun can be a stubborn little bastard when he wants to, so he turns to face the computer resolutely and shoots at Zergs half-heartedly. Jongwoon can take a hint, so he leaves quietly, and as the door closes with a soft, resigned click Sungmin throws a towel in Kyuhyun’s face.

Kyuhyun ignores the guilt twisting his insides up.


---


Kyuhyun doesn’t see Jongwoon for several days after that, his days taken up by SJ-M rehearsals, and it is a week before he comes home early enough for dinner with a bowl of kimchi jjigae he picked up to see Jongwoon having takeout ddeokbboki and watching Donghae’s drama. Jongwoon smiles when he sees Kyuhyun, a little ray of sunshine breaking on his features, and motions for Kyuhyun to join him.

Kyuhyun is afraid that Jongwoon will hear his heart thumping against his chest; is afraid to feel Jongwoon’s thigh next to his; is afraid that he will lose it, so he shakes his head and goes straight to his room. He closes the door firmly so Jongwoon doesn’t see him eating his soup alone, his stare boring a hole through the wall with his fervent wishing that he could see Jongwoon.

Jongwoon doesn’t come in today to ask Kyuhyun about his day like he usually does, and that makes Kyuhyun’s heart break a little.

He tells himself he deserves it, though.


---


It’s a long day after numerous concert practices; all of them are starving and practically run into a room in their favourite samgyupsal restaurant. Jongwoon is right in front of Kyuhyun and collapses on a seat; the natural thing to do for Kyuhyun would have been to take a seat beside Jongwoon. But Kyuhyun is a coward and an asshole as usual; he doesn’t want to hear Jongwoon’s chocolate laugh filling him, he doesn’t want to feel Jongwoon’s arm grazing his, he is afraid to look at Jongwoon and realise that he is head over heels in love with the man, so he takes a pointed detour to end up several seats across Jongwoon. He angles himself so Jongwoon is just out of his field of vision and resolutely ignores the little questioning glance Jongwoon gives him, or Jongwoon’s arm around Donghae’s shoulder when they peruse the same menu.

Don’t look don’t look, his mind chants, I told you not to look, you idiot.

He has to clench his fists in an effort not to rush over and hulk smash Donghae through the room window.


---


Sungmin and Ryeowook corner him that night and refuse to let him sleep till he talks, kicking him and confiscating his covers.

“Why are you being such an asshole,” Kyuhyun groans and pulls his pillow over his head.

“No, why are you being one?” Sungmin wrenches the pillow out of his grasp and Kyuhyun is left pillow-less and duvet-less and kind of annoyed.

“Leave me alone,” Kyuhyun mutters.

“No we will not leave you alone,” Ryeowook frowns, “unless you tell us why you’re being so mean to Jongwoon-hyung.”

Kyuyhun doesn’t actually have an answer to that. He baffled himself, really, why he was being like this. Perhaps it was the easy way out – Kyuhyun didn’t have to contend with palpitating hearts and burning cheeks and lumps in his throat, and admitting that he liked Jongwoon very much. He’d take aching wants and heated jealousy over that any day. At least he had just himself to deal with – his own fears and cowardice and his pathetic self.

“I don’t know, okay?”

“Well, stop it,” Ryeowook hits him with his pillow, “stop breaking Jongwoon-hyung’s heart.”

“I thought you guys said I was being really obvious that I liked him.”

“Maybe because Jongwoon-hyung is one of the slowest people on this planet,” Sungmin snorts, “just like you.”

Ryeowook leaves their room with a final sigh and Sungmin turns in then, leaving Kyuhyun sitting up in the dark wondering how much it would take for him to just fucking admit that he liked Jongwoon.


---


Jongwoon comes to one of The Three Musketeers’ shows early, showing up backstage with a huge bag of drinks for the cast and crew to say “please take care of our Kyuhyun.” Kyuhyun is really, really touched – he wants to give Jongwoon a hug like Jongwoon did when he had gone to a showing of Spamalot, and say thank you, but his hands are glued to his side and a lump chokes his throat. Jongwoon strides towards him, the smile on his face bright enough for the two of them.

“Thanks,” Kyuhyun manages a weak smile.

He can see Jongwoon’s face fall a little bit, this knots his heart up. Jongwoon freezes in his moving to hug Kyuhyun – their bodies are awkward; held breaths and frigid tension between heated flesh, and Jongwoon’s fingers twitch a little before coming to land on Kyuhyun’s shoulder in an embarrassed, discomfited pat.

“Break a leg,” Jongwoon says softly, and Kyuhyun nods, looking at anywhere but Jongwoon.

Jongwoon opens his mouth and closes it several times, before taking a deep breath. “Kyuhyun-ah, I – did I do something wrong?”

Kyuhyun feels the words hit him smack in the face like a lick of fire, his heart skips a beat and his ears burn. No no no no no, his heart yells, and suddenly the air is too thick, he can’t breathe.

“I – just – I have to go,” Kyuhyun whispers, pushing past Jongwoon to run to the bathroom and locks himself in one of the stalls.

He sits down and cries for Jongwoon, cries for his own cowardice, for his stubbornness, cries for the everything he cannot become, till the director rams on the door to say they were up in ten.

Jongwoon is gone when he returns to the waiting room.


---


Kyuhyun obviously does not manage to concentrate and returns to the dorm that night after one of his worst performances in The Three Musketeers, feeling pretty shitty. He contemplates heading to Jongwoon’s room and apologising for being a jerk, but the words tunnel back into his heart and refuse to move when he reaches Jongwoon’s door, which is slightly ajar so Kyuhyun can faintly make out Jongwoon’s sleeping form.

Kyuhyun spends five minutes memorizing the contours of Jongwoon’s face as the faint light from the hallway falls on his features before he is taken by the realization that he wants this man so much it actually hurts.

It takes several tries and clearing his throat a lot, and even then it only comes out as barely a whisper, but when Kyuhyun says, “I love you,” he feels the knot in his chest loosen considerably.

There is this giant, silly grin on his face for the rest of the night, and even Sungmin’s “what the fuck are you grinning about” and “you look like an idiot” remarks don’t make it go away.


---


They are rehearsing for KRY’s concert, Jongwoon steadfastly avoiding Kyuhyun’s gaze and Kyuhyun can see the subtle signs in his body; the angling of his body a degree away from Kyuhyun, the bow of his shoulders inwards, his arms folded, his tiny hands around his arms, across his chest.

Kyuhyun wants to apologise for being mean to Jongwoon, wants to make things no longer awkward between them, wants to see Jongwoon smile again – he’d rehearsed a speech the day before in front of the mirror even though it was embarrassing as fuck, and he manages to get Jongwoon alone in a practice room with Ryeowook’s help.

“Jongwoon-hyung,” he starts, but Jongwoon doesn’t catch his eye so he falters a bit, all the words he’d practised yesterday crumbling like ash on his tongue. There is a silence so thick with discomfiture that Kyuhyun cannot find the words to speak; his mind is completely blank.

“I –“ he tries, but Jongwoon interrupts with a deep breath.

“Look, Kyuhyun, I –“ Jongwoon sighs, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable – I didn’t know you’d feel that way, but I’m not sorry that I like you. Just – just give me a while to get over it and we’ll just be members and friends again, nothing more, okay?”

Jongwoon looks straight into Kyuhyun’s eyes, and Kyuhyun’s mouth falls open at his surprise. His heart is yelling, no what the fuck you like me?, and he shakes his head with a ferocity. Jongwoon blinks several times.

“I’m sorry I was such a jerk – I – just –” His mouth moves faster than his brain again, but in a good way for once. The words escape from Kyuhyun’s mouth in a sweet rush of liberation, and they are silent for a minute, the sparkle of a promise hanging between them.

“Oh, Kyuhyun,” Jongwoon says simply, and folds his arms round Kyuhyun.

This time Kyuhyun doesn’t fight it anymore.

Tags: !fic, genre: romance, pairing: kyuhyun/yesung
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